Tuesday, August 08, 2006

IN THE BEGINNING...

The reason I decided to name my blog "Internet Mom" dates back almost three years ago to the time I was in labor with my daughter. There I was, (nearly) flat on my back, approaching what felt like 23 cm, in tremendous pain and apparently I asked one too many questions of my l&d nurse. ("Does pushing out a baby really feel like pushing out a poop? Should I be feeling this much pain, with an epidural and all? Why are you giving me pitocin? Do I need a catheter? Why does that alarm keep going off? Where did my husband go?")

At which point, she rolled her eyes and said, "Oh, you're an Internet mom, aren't you."

In the heat of the moment, it didn't occur to me to say, "What the hell does that mean?" I mean, I barely had it in me to curse at my husband (who actually was there) while remembering to breathe and keep my gaze away from the scary overhead mirror while wishing that my own OB was delivering instead of Dr. Hollywood who happened to be sharing call that weekend (after, apparently fitting in a quick stop at the tanning salon). So, instead I kicked said nurse in the head during a contraction. (Okay, I just fantasize about the last part.)

Three years (almost) later, it is clear to me that by her standards, I was too armed with information (in general) and took my (pregnancy) education too easily from the web.

In the years since then, I have proudly become an Internet information overload junkie. Most of the people who know this about me view this personality trait in a harsh light. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it is because most of my research lately has centered around my secondary infertility, and perhaps these friends share the viewpoint of Nurse Wretched. That no good can come of doing a Google search on "miscarriage" (or previously, "pregnancy"), that only bad news, false information or overwhelmingly technical medical jargon will be the result. Or worse...I will scare myself.

Well, folks, I'm here to tell you all that I am already scared. Three miscarriages in seven months have seen to that. And while I found experts to both reassure me that the last pregnancy would survive (it didn't) and to prepare me for the worst during the same pregnancy (they didn't; I was still devastated) I do not know how I would have gotten through it all without the knowledge that somewhere, someone had the same question or worry as me. Regardless of her outcome or the answer that she received, some other woman has gone through it, too.

So I decided that in lieu of a support group (because honestly, who has the time between chasing a toddler, keeping a house clean, being a fantastic wife/lover--ha!--well, you know...keeping those balls in the air), I would try to become part of the SIF blogging community and share my story, my questions--and hopefully some of my answers--with all of you. It will be good for me. Better than the l&d nurse or my well-meaning friends could ever know.

Thanks for reading. More (much more) to come.

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