Saturday, September 16, 2006

My Computer Agrees

Last night I was writing a really fascinating post about how boring I am, and how it's probably due to the fact that I only ever see other adults to discuss things like preschool, potty training, and how expensive Whole Foods has become. I made some allusion to my former life as a grad student and how conversations used to revolve around Tim O'Brien's "The Things They Carried" and its subtle condemnation of our warring society in the face of humanity's quest for morality. I spoke of the BIG words I used to use, although (as though to underscore my vacuousness) I couldn't remember any as I was writing and was forced to use "loin" as an example. A poor example, indeed. And right in the middle of this brilliant expose, my computer crashed.

Oh great. Now I've put my computer to sleep.

I've realized lately that I am a middle-of-the-road person. I'm not bold enough to use my husband's or daughter's names in my blog, but I will describe the vagaries of my bodily functions in painstaking detail. I will never include pictures on this site, but I'll tell all of you that I'm on the verge of divorce when I haven't even discussed that with my husband. Hell, he doesn't even know I write this blog. Unless he's much craftier or suspicious than I give him credit for.

I've got to break out of my shell.

It goes so far, that I can actually say that it is comfortable being in this no-man's-land of waiting for my next period before trying to get pregnant yet again. I mean, it's safe in here. Waiting is half the fun. There's no bad news right now, no worrying, no testing, no pricks (unless of course, we're talking about my husband again), no magic wand, no shuffling my kid to the neighbor's so that I can sit in the RE's office for three hours.

It is calm and at the same time, filled with hope and excitement for what might happen. None of the possibilities has played out yet, so it's a feeling of abundance, this waiting. Anything can happen. When we begin trying, not everything will happen. Some things will start to fall to the side of the road. Perhaps we won't get pregnant right away. (Imagine that!) Perhaps I'll have an anovulatory cycle or two. Perhaps my progesterone will be precipitously low. Or we will get pregnant and there will be spotting. Or a blighted ovum. Or twins!

So, the choices, the possibilties just keep narrowing, once the journey begins again in earnest. Right now, I'll admit that I like the wide-openess of waiting. It's like the night before the Spring Break Vacation. You know you're going. You're packed and the camera is loaded with film. The car is full of gas and you are having trouble sleeping. But...there is something delicious in still having the whole trip in front of you. Something not disappointing, anxious yet not stressful about the moment just before.


At 2:55 PM, Blogger Kathy McC said...

Ha ha! You said "prick"! ;-)

I agree that sometimes boring is good. I hope things get exciting in a good way soon...

At 9:42 PM, Blogger DD said...

So I have to ask, because I'm a damn busy body, but are you serious about the husband and divorce? If so, how are you planning on getting pregnant?

Remember, Busy Body. That's me.

At 4:25 PM, Blogger Hetty Fauxvert said...

There's a lot to be said for that hopeful in-between state. A time to mentally recharge, if nothing else.

I also have Blog Anxiety ... and my husband doesn't know I have one either! And there are many things I don't reveal on the blog, especially about my past. (I'm saving that for the tell-all multimillion dollar book. Hah.)

At 11:29 AM, Blogger Erin said...

I'm with DD--very curious about how you'll manage that one! I also fully agree with you on the no-man's-land thing. The time between when we had P and when we started TTC#2 was so pleasant in reproductive terms. I didn't have to worry or think about it at all. I could just appreciate the wonder of birth control pills (unnecessary though they are).


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