Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Knowing Right from Wrong

After careful consideration, it seems that my last post about inappropriate thoughts as I head into babymaking round number five has at its root something more frightening than whether my schedule can handle another child.

I am worried about failing again.

As soon as the RE gives us the go ahead, I will be doing my very best to get pregnant. You don't want the sordid details (unless you pay $9.95 a month to subscribe to this blog, in which case you do) of how it's all going to go down (and believe me, there will be none of that), but I am confident that we will succeed. After all, we have in at least four other instances, become pregnant without any intervention and within a few months of trying. This go round will include a tidy window (courtesy of an u/s or two) into my uterus to make sure all is in tip-top shape, that my lining looks thick like Challah french toast and to predict when I will O. Ovulate, that is, because I don't think the RE really wants to see my "O face." (Bear in mind, he did not pay $9.95.)

Joking aside, it's the details that wear on my small mind. Yes, I believe I'll get pregnant somewhat easily; truth be told if it's not the first month, I'm one of those petulant women who will take it personally and kick a lot of trash cans. It's not that I'm stupid or ungrateful, I just can't stand the waiting. More to the point, I really don't handle not being in control very well.

Which leads me back to the small details. When we do, universe willing, concieve...what then? What if the ovum that receives the honor of being Casey's Next Lucky Break is the first egg that shoots down my fallopian tubes--because I am too eager to get started--but after a night of wild drinking on the egg's part, it's a bit the worse for wear, like the last three? What if it is really the second egg that I should be shooting for, no pun intended?

And, for Pete's sake, how am I supposed to know one from the other?

I have trusted my body to do what it is supposed to do (extremist thinking in these parts, I know) and each time in the last year, we have failed, my body and me. (Unless you count miscarriage as a success! because your body is doing what it is supposed to do! and all that insulting crap.) I used to be laid back about physical things and have confidence in my body. That attitude has netted me squat.

The anxiety in my head gets a little muddy and crazed from this point on (okay, more muddy and crazed), so I will spare you any further meanderings. Suffice it to say that I worry about doing this wrong again. I have no control over something that might end up devastating me, and yet I am so willing, nay eager, to go through with it. Again.

Perhaps I am not as hopeful a person as I would like to think. And so, to go into this with nothing but hope in my soul (soap in your hole and all that) seems unnatural and fraudulent to me. Perhaps, to appease some gods I don't admit to worshipping, I feel it would be unseemly to go into this without the fear and genuflecting.

Strange, though, that I would choose to fear something that is neither within my power to change nor absolutely destined to go badly. Despite the lessons of the last three failures, perhaps my memory of my body doing it the right way or the feeling of my daughter's sleepwarm breath on my cheek is enough to overcome the fear at least one more time.


At 9:38 AM, Blogger theoneliner said...

It is scary. Almost as scary as pop-pop.

But you're right....sleepwarm breath could get anyone thru almost any fear.

At 10:39 AM, Blogger DD said...

I understand how you are feeling as I felt that way myself a year ago when we thought that getting pregnant shouldn't be "that" hard. How could we know so much could change in such a short amount of time.

Do not think for one moment that you "failed" or did something wrong. I know how easy it is to get sucked into that, as I do it frequently. We're so much alike, but you definitely say it better than I do.

At 10:41 AM, Blogger DD said...

Blogger ate my comment!

To summarize: never for a moment think that you "failed" or did something "wrong". It's very easy to let ourselves be consumed by the guilt and it's certainly easier then listening to someone tells us for the bazillionth time that "it was meant to be," but try not to beat yourself up.

We're a lot a like, Casey. It's just that you say it better.

At 10:43 AM, Blogger DD said...


Oh, blogger. You just slay me with your fickle, fickle ways.

"Lost your comment."

"Found your comment."

"Succeeded in making DD look stupid."

At 5:57 PM, Blogger Erin said...

But see, now your body knows what to do, so it'll be easy to get pregnant and have it stick! Oh sorry, those were my friend's words coming out of my fingers. Or should I say ex-friend...I haven't spoken to her in almost 18 months.

What I meant to say was that it's definitely scary, and perhaps scarier in your situation of having had recurrent miscarriages. I had no idea that it would be scary to TTC again. But as soon as we started, I immediately felt like I was fighting a battle against my body. I won the last one but which of us would win this one? I never expected that.

I hope that you find peace in the sleepy breath of your daughter--our children are true treasures. No wonder we want more of them!


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