Monday, October 16, 2006

Looking for my Yang

It has been nearly three months since my last miscarriage. When I was standing nearer to that time of my life, and I was told to wait two cycles before trying again, the wait seemed interminable.

Now I am on the other side of the wait, with an extra cycle's worth thrown in for good measure. My numbers look good (strange kind of lottery, isn't it?) and my attitude is even better (than the numbers or than it used to be, I can't say for sure). But reflecting on my behavior over the last three months,--hell, let's make it the whole year--I am realizing that I tend to lose myself very easily to whatever drama presents itself.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I could barely get myself out of the house for all my Internet surfing. "due date." "morning sickness." "forceps." Anything and everything having to do with pregnancy, I googled. I googled so much my husband thought about enrolling me in googler's anonymous. I was obsessed. (In fact, I continued this pattern at the beginning of each of my subsequent pregnancies. Pulled out "Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy" or some other tome on pregnancy as soon as the stick had two lines, only to abashedly hide it away a few weeks later when things went to hell in a handbasket.) Perhaps a kind way of looking at these tendencies is to say that I jump in with both feet.

I realize that I have played out my SIF in much the same way. Lots of time on the Internet. Lots of time reading. Blogging or commenting or both at the same time. Lots of decisions made with the rationalization "I could be pregnant by then," or "I just had a D&E." After my third loss, I made a Fat as Fuck plan which required me to eat everything in sight--oh yes, including things I didn't really like--as though to stick it to the fertility gods who have taken so much from me. I let my business come to a standstill, telling myself that I would pick it up again in the fall, when my daughter was in school.

This fall I finally joined a gym--something I had avoided all spring, knowing that I would soon become pregnant and have to forfeit the joiner fee. However, now I am using exercise as the antedote to infertility. I have tried the not working out and my pregnancies failed. I figure, either exercise is going to be the magic bullet this time, or my RE is going to fall in love with me and my new hardbody (shut up).

And then there is that lingering possibility of a move to a new state. As of this post, we are no closer to moving than when I first wrote about this, but the thought of moving has taken up significant real estate in my brain. I have put off expanding my business and seeking out new clients because, horror, we might move. And I would have to disappoint my new clients!

I am the first to admit that my reluctance to move forward in many areas fits nicely with my desire to avoid rejection and discomfort, from both a business perspective and a lifestyle angle. But the truth is, when I put my daily living on hold, I become unhappy. It doesn't feel good to be stagnant.

So, on the other side of the waiting, I am looking out on an uncertain future. Yes, I believe I want another baby. Yes, the waiting has, in retrospect, been good for me. Calming. But it has also been an excuse to sit on my hands and, well, wait. What I want is to not lose myself to the journey of having another child, because it's only one of many journeys that I am on. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a sister, an entrepreneur, a writer. It seems that balance is crucial to wearing so many hats.

(But I do hear that all those squats will prepare me for the rigors of delivery.)


At 9:50 AM, Blogger Erin said...

It's really hard to prevent putting your life on hold when you're IF. After 2 years, you'd think I'd have stopped--but every cycle, I think "What do we have scheduled for this month, and how can I arrange appointments?" and "If I get pregnant this month, I'll be X number of months pregnant when Y event happens."

Sometimes it bothers me, other times I am happy that I haven't given up hope. I hope that you don't have a difficult time achieving a take-home baby this time around.


At 10:02 AM, Blogger DD said...

Life is too full of the shouldas, wouldas and couldas. Just "DO".

At 12:53 PM, Blogger theoneliner said...

I hear you on the waiting and being stagnant. me too. and i work full time. in fact,i'm at work right now.; )

Well, at least you joined a gym. that's a step. and you know a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. (hey, IF demands silly cliches)


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