Sunday, October 29, 2006

Tomorrow, we ride..., test, that is. My husband and I agreed that tomorrow would be better because although he'll have to go to work (as opposed to golf, today), he'll be available by phone should I need it. That was his suggestion, mind you, and who am I to argue with unexpected displays of thoughfulness?

Here's what has been on my mind for the past few days, as I have mulled over the upcoming test with mixed emotions:

Since I began trying to have a baby, back in 2002, I have only had two negative responses on a HPT. Maybe one, and I'm just multiplying it for dramatic effect. But, you have to admit, that is pretty low, what with four pregnancies and one actual baby to show for it. My deeper meaning here is that I have always had an intuition about being pregnant before it was borne out by modern medicine. Either I was five weeks past my last period (when that's how casual the timetable was), or the runny nose had started, or some mild bloating. Something always gave me up to myself.

But I have never before been on progesterone, and I can't quite say that I see a remarkable difference in myself since beginning the twice daily regimen. However, anything that might seem like a simple pregnancy symptom is crowded out of the spotlight by that gentle reminder that progesterone itself can give you pregnancy symptoms. And on top of that, from what I understand, even being two weeks past ovulation might not count for much if the progesterone is preventing the onset of a period.

So, for the first time in my life, I have absolutely no clue whether I am pregnant or being medicinally teased. It is a strange feeling. I will not be testing tomorrow because of my overwhelming certainty that I am, or even due to my inability to stop myself from finding out the harsh truth (hoping against hope that instead I have accomplished the near-impossible).

I will be testing tomorrow because it is time to test. So, I will be surprised no matter what the result, because I have no real instinct on this one. Yes, I believe I have accomplished the near-impossible (ie become pregnant), but that is just my hubris talking. Because I am making that assumption in a vacuum.

So this is what it looks like inside a vacuum...


At 7:27 PM, Blogger Kathy McC said...

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

At 7:21 AM, Blogger theoneliner said...

eeeck. that's today. i hope you are and i can't wait to find out; )


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