Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Silver Lining Shantytown

In a few days, I will fly with my daughter to visit my family for Thanksgiving. Being that we don't go back for Christmas anymore, I have been spending a week out there for turkey day. My husband will fly on Wednesday night and we'll all return after the tryptophan has worn off.

On Friday, before we leave, I will have one more ultrasound. Well, let me not get ahead of myself. I will have one more ultrasound before Thanksgiving. Because we all know that none of us will ever live to see the day without just one more. Hell, they're giving ultrasounds for hemorrhoids these days. Sign me up!


I am looking forward to this ultrasound. I am not dreading it (not yet, being that it's only Tuesday). I am choosing to believe that this pregnancy is very healthy and will result in a live baby. (Collective intake of breath.) It's true, folks, I am optimistic. I'll do you one better: I am retiring from the "gloom and doom" club and firmly setting up camp in "Silver Lining Shantytown." I know what to do if bad news comes my way, but I have decided to close the door on dead baby thoughts (or at least dead baby posts) for the time being. I don't want to exploit the drama inherent in this forum and in these cyberfriendships to keep you all reading and on the edge of your seats, when in my heart I feel it is not warranted.

I feel good. In fact, I feel more and more lousy, tired, nauseated, hungry and whatnot everyday. For that I am so thankful. I feel good.

However, I am faced with a dilemma. I have not spoken of my five-week-old pregnancy with anyone in my family. Only my sister has had the interest or nerve to ask what's happening with me. If we had been characters in a Shakespeare play, her aside (to my response) would have been, "Me thinks thou doth protest too much." Thank god she's not a deep thinker. And by that I mean, her life and her kids keep her too busy to analyze further, although writing this it occurs to me that she probably knows I'm pregnant. She's my best friend. And besides sometimes sisters just know.

Now, as much as I feel good and healthy and spanklingly optimistic, I do have this certain unnameable anxiety when faced with the decision to tell or not to tell, while I am home.

Last year at Thanksgiving, I was pregnant. I told (despite my husband's reluctance). In a matter of weeks I was rescinding it all. That is really looming large for me right now.

Plus, somehow, it feels good not to tell. Could it be that I'm assuming a direct causal relationship between keeping a secret and the health of this pregnancy?

Go sell crazy somewhere else. We're all stocked up here.

I have my whole family in my immediate grasp only on rare occasions, if you call twice a year "rare." But, even rarer still will be my opportunities to tell them all in person of a healthy pregnancy (as opposed to, say, another loss). By the time I would be seeing them all again, I will actually be expected to be in labor (oh, yes, the technician gave me a due date! Thanks for that!)

I can hear some vague twittering in the peanut gallery, as some of you, or maybe the whole lot of you are thinking that these are grand assumptions to make as I have not even seen the heartbeat, yet. But, Silver Lining Shantytown being what it is, I am skipping all that. These have been my thoughts over the past week(s), so I'm sharing. I have no answer yet. I'm leaning toward not saying anything, because sometimes I find that my own need for instant gratification is actually best left unmet.

I suppose this whole post will end where my own thoughts on the matter end (though in very circuitous fashion), which is to say: let's see what happens Friday.


At 4:55 PM, Blogger theoneliner said...

Well, better to be hopeful than all gloom and doom dramatic all the time. Like me.
I swear 99% of all bloggers are posting about whether or not to be hopeful either with IF or pg'y. Its such the dilemma.
I would tell. But I'm a blabber mouth. A 'normal' person wouldn't ...or at least would advise you not to??
It guess it all depends on if your family is supportive and thinks before they speak. (although whose family does that??!)

At 5:51 PM, Blogger ~r said...

I love optimism. I'm working on that one myself, so I'll just keep reading to get pointers, ok?

... and I agree, the tell/don't tell part is very tough. My husband called half his family the very day the hpt turned +. I nearly passed out when I heard that. I haven't mentioned it to anyone.. just in case. (see, I told you I need to work on that optimism thing).

I say, just do what you're comfortable with, and good luck friday!

At 2:08 AM, Blogger Hetty Fauxvert said...

I have to agree, do what you're comfortable with. In my case, I never told my family that we were doing IVF, and kept the pg news to myself until about 12 weeks. But that's just me.

It sounds like the only person who might actually *notice* your being different than usual is your sis. If she can keep a secret, you could tell her and no one else. If she is the supportive type, it would be nice to have her to confide in.

At 12:22 PM, Blogger Kath said...

Dear Casey, I'm so glad that you've pitched your tent in Silver Lining Shantytown. So glad to hear it!

And I think if not telling feels comfortable, don't tell. Except maybe your sister, if she can be trusted to be silent on the matter...


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