Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Wouldn't you like to be a psycho, too?

Yes, I am a psycho.

For all of my rambling on about not wanting to know good, bad, nor ugly in regard to this or other pregnancies, I have googled. Oh, how I have googled.

But! I have limited the googling! Which is more than I can say for my past experiences with the invention! However, when I'm not busy googling, I am inevitably playing "Divination Klondike," wherein I judge my future luck (fertility, fiscal, business, marital, intestinal) by the solitaire hand I am dealt and whether there is any money in my pot (Vegas style, baby, Vegas style) at the end of the hand. This is akin to turning on the radio and finding guidance in whatever song is playing. Who would do that? Ahem.

Psycho. Deluxe.

So, I'm a bit freaking out. Last night I had a very lucid dream about going to the RE's office and being told I was not pregnant. It wasn't a particularly sad dream, there was no mention of miscarriage. The pregnancy just wasn't, anymore. And in the dream I remember trying to verify with the nurse that I had been pregnant, vis-a-vis my initial beta. As if that would count for something. That's when I woke up. Leaving my dream no more conclusive than my waking hours.

Sure, I'm having some cramps here and there. Could be gas (what fun!) or just the old flesh peach beginning a slow stretch into watermelondom. Whatever it is, it is making my mind spin. Two nights ago (three by now?) I had the headache that I get just before...a period. That headache. So, I've been waiting for the other clot to drop, so to speak. I wish I were as good at taking the advice that I would give to all of you in my shoes--the advice that nobody wants anyway and can't follow if paid--as I am in thinking it when reading someone else's situation.

It is so simple. Either it is, or it isn't. It's just that the finality of the "is" or "isn't" could come at anytime.

And since I'm here, I'll tell you that I'll be going in for bloodwork and ultrasound on Friday. Which could be why all my anxieties are suddenly bottlenecking. So much perseverating to accomplish and so little of the week left!

Now, I've got four aces showing, so if you'll excuse me, I'm going to win me $208. And a future of guaranteed bliss.


At 9:22 AM, Blogger ~r said...

I laughed really-really-really hard at this.

And then I went back to my solitaire, where I was playing the same If-I-win-things-will-be-ok game.

Really, I thought it was just me. I'm so glad to know it's not - because you know, when someone else does it, too, that makes it normal.

At 10:11 AM, Blogger Erin said...

Oh my gosh, I do the same thing. Or used to. Then I decided I couldn't risk my future on a bad hand and so I stopped playing.

But damn, now I hear the cards a'callin'.


At 5:55 PM, Blogger theoneliner said...

man, you're in a tough place. i mean your post, as always, is funny as all...but i know you're a mess.
i wish i knew something to say to make you feel more at peace. but i know there is no such thing.
friday will be a good'll get to see that everything is ok. ; )


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