Thursday, December 14, 2006

Tired has Taken Over

Can it really be almost two weeks since I last wrote? And not one freak out that I can remember (or at least not one to which I will admit).

Honestly, I am stealing time from myself here to give a little update and some thoughts on my process over the past two weeks. Christmas is a scant 10 days away; the shopping is not done, not to mention the decorating of our house (sorry, poor tree); and the holiday orders for my business pile up as you read.

I had an epiphany early last week. I was very mopey, inclined to think that I might be depressed. I didn't want to do anything except sit on the couch. My gym membership had gotten moldy. My daughter was left to watch inordinate amounts of TV (whilst I lounged on said couch). Nothing seemed to excite me, not even good food.

And then it occurred to me: I'm pregnant.

While the statement itself seems frought with, I don't know, forehead-slapping obviousness, it was really something that I had not considered in my quest to find a seat all day, every day. I have spent the better part of a year trying to reach the point in a pregnancy, any pregnancy, wherein my RE released me from his care with a fond farewell, a smack on the behind and a knowing wink. I thought, when that happened, that I had reached some sort of milestone this time. And while that is true, the milestone was really mental in nature and in no way changed the fact that at 8 weeks pregnant, I was actually only still entering that part of the pregnancy where one's bottom is naturally inclined to find repose.

I wasn't depressed, I was just damned tired.

It comes and goes, depending on how well I eat. What has remained as a steadfast souvenir of my past year is a certain inability on my part to relax. Yes, I rest and sleep and nap and so on. And I even maintain a certain calm about this pregnancy (I still have told no neighbors or friends, save the one). But I am in no way relaxed about it. I am ever vigilant for signs of doom and will go so far as to overanalyze my bathroom habits with my RE (it's true) to make sure that my own progesterone isn't plummeting when taken off the supplementary stuff.

And then there's this urge, when reading pregnancy literature (I cannot help myself) to turn to the chapters entitled "When There's a Problem." A year ago I wouldn't have dreamed of laying eyes on those pages; now it's as though I feel those are the only pages I'm entitled too.

So, you can see, I am not quite relaxed.

Tomorrow I will see my OB for the first time. I will demand the Doppler, though I can't say whether they'll put up much of a fight. I'm just imagining a nurse's resistance due to only being 10 weeks, but really, with my history, if I leave without hearing a heartbeat, you might as well send me home in a straightjacket. One way or the other I'll find out what's going on, so if they try the Doppler with no luck, of course I will suggest we go straight to an ultrasound. Because why make me guess for another two weeks.

At the moment, though, everything seems to be going as it should. Except the damn tree.


At 7:51 PM, Blogger Kathy McC said...

Glad to hear that all is well. I don't think it's possible to have a relaxed moment in pregnancy after you lose one. Except when the baby comes out screaming, maybe.

Hey, it's okay to demand the doppler. If they refuse or do it without finding the hb, then definitely force the ultrasound. They should be pretty understanding especially considering your history. My OB was great about that and I only felt *slightly* neurotic.

Can't wait to hear how it goes!

At 10:50 AM, Blogger Kath said...

Dear Casey, it's good to hear from you. I realize tiredness is draining, but I'm taking it as great news -- and I needed good news today! Hope your next appointment goes beautifully.

At 8:30 PM, Blogger Alice said...

This is really good news--your body is working hard so of course you are exhausted!

At 8:22 AM, Blogger Hetty Fauxvert said...

You got a smack on your behind from your RE when he cut you loose??? I am jealous! This is what comes of my selecting a female doc, I guess. :)

You're pooped = you're pregnant! 'S wonderful!


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