Thursday, February 22, 2007

A funny thing happened on the way to the hospital

I have been avoiding writing this post for a while, now. About two weeks. Everytime I come to the computer to check up on everyone else, I hear this nagging voice telling me that I need to write. So, here it is.

On the Monday evening that my husband and I took our daughter to the specialist to have her elbow looked at--the same evening that we were informed she would be needing surgery the following day--my blogging life took an interesting and unexpected turn. In my state of distress over my daughter's impending hospital visit, I logged on to the Internet and wrote the post explaining what we had just gone through. During the time that it took me to finish the post (no small feat, considering we have dial-up service, still), my daughter was hanging on me, getting into office supplies and generally adding to my distress. So I called out for some back-up (yo! husband!).

In the process, I got myself busted. Meaning that for the past six months I have been blogging without anyone from my "real" life knowing (except one friend), including my husband. But when he unexpectedly appeared to help me with the little one, I think I panicked and actually put my hand over the computer screen!! No, really, it wasn't quite that bad, but go ahead and imagine it that way if it makes you laugh. Because whatever my real reaction was, it must have been mighty awkward in that it provoked accusations of infidelity from him. (Understand that he still, at this point, didn't know that I actually write a blog.) Yes, my friends, my husband took my "caught-in-the-act" moves as indication that I am carrying on some sort of sordid Internet relationship with another man.

Now, there may be some association between having a blog that you don't tell your husband about and behaving unfaithfully, even if the blog in question is merely a therapeutic attempt to deal with one issue alone--recurrent miscarriage. But to me the very accusation was bruising. However, I made the painful decision that my privacy and peace of mind would have to be sacrificed in favor of full disclosure and marital harmony. My husband is a bit of a jerk for jumping to that conclusion (methinks he watches too much Dateline), but all things considered I believe that my marriage deserved my honesty at that moment, even if he was out of line. And there was just no way to keep my blog private and reassure him at the same time.

So when we finally crawled into bed at the end of the night, I handed him a print-out of the post I had been writing and somewhat tearfully confessed (everything that night, considering my daughter, was expressed somewhat tearfully) that for the better part of a year I had been keeping a secret from him. Not so much from him as to myself, but I'm not sure how much weight that argument had.

I'm sure he was a bit taken aback and maybe even a little angry. When I think about hiding something from him, I can understand those feelings. However, when I think about blogging as it manifests itself in my life, it seems much more on par with keeping a journal--albeit one others can read--which I have done for most of the time I've known him.

What bothers me most is that the dynamic of blogging has changed, irrevokably, for me. Now, much more than before, I feel I need to hide my time on the computer. While he always knew that I was reading other women's blogs, frequently regaling him with updates from some of the success stories out there, he never knew that I might be divulging my innermost musings to the world (wide web). Subsequently, when I am typing at the computer, he now says with a tone that may or may not suggest derision, "What are you up to, blogging?" Which is, in fact, one of the reasons I did not tell him in the first place. Whether real or imagined, I did not want my husband's views on my blogging to interfere with the healing I sought through it. And believe me, my interpretation of his views are very much that: mine. He has never said anything negative since that first discussion about it, when he was still digesting some very big and probably strange news.

Combined with other events in my life (growing business, growing belly, daughter on the injured reserve), it has become more and more clear to me that posting to this blog is falling woefully low on my list of priorities. While I am loathe to completely cut ties with the blogging world, I must admit that I just won't be posting as often. The hope and courage that I found here was not through my own writing, but through reading the stories of others. I would rather take my time to do that, still, than write. So, I will. And I will update about my own journey when I can find time, because I do know there is great healing in that for me.

In so many ways I feel (and know) that blogging and discovering blogs like Barefoot And... and Inhospitable (and many, many others) have pulled me through a very hard year. So it feels somewhat greedy to turn and run, now that my life is back on track and I am experiencing a success story of my own. I'm not ready to totally give it up for that reason as well. However, continuing to write when only out of a sense of duty and guilt...who wants to read that anyway?

So, if you don't see me as often, you'll know why. But, rest assured that I am still prowling around out there, reading your blogs and pulling for all of you. And when something--really anything--happens in my life, you can bet that I am formulating a post in my head about it, even if it never makes it to this site.

And if I haven't said it before, thank you all very, very much. I'm glad to read your stories and honored when you drop by to read mine.


At 3:18 PM, Blogger Jim McKee said...

In defense of your husband, the Internet is how my marriage was destroyed. And she wasn't *only* talking online... that was just the "meeting place". I went through a similar scene to yours numerous times, sometimes she even hit the power button (and I mean without booting down). I'm over it now, it's been years, but if all she would've been doing was blogging, that would've been easy to take, compared to cheating.

At 9:36 AM, Blogger Erin said...

My husband knows about my blog and never, ever reads it. He always says that he feels like it would be reading my journal and it doesn't feel right to him. Never mind that everyone else in the world could read it if they found it. But I really appreciate that about him. We've really never kept secrets from one another, and I would hate for blogging about something to have been one of them. Secrets cause too many problems in a marriage.

I hope that you will continue to post and at least let us know about that growing baby and belly!

At 9:41 AM, Blogger ~r said...

I'm glad you're not disappearing completely. I'll still be looking for updates, even if they're not frequent.

I told my husband when I started my blog, because I was afraid we'd go through the exact same thing.. and knowing B, the very fact that it was secret would make him wonder.

Thankfully, he hasn't expressed an interest in reading - I think maybe he's just grateful that I've got an outlet that doesn't involve him feeling powerless when he can't 'fix' everything... I'm not sure I could continue to blog with the same honesty knowing he was reading.

At 6:58 AM, Blogger Kath said...

Dear Casey, I'm so sorry to hear this. I can imagine how awkward that discovery was, and how different blogging feels now. Also, I do understand your having other priorities at the moment. Please do let us know how you are from time to time, and take good care of yourself. Thank you for everything, too!

At 9:17 PM, Blogger Alice said...

I'm really sorry about this. When I began writing a blog (not so very long ago), I didn't tell my husband about it initially. He discovered it on his own, however, and then didn't tell ME that he knew about it because he thought that I might want to keep it private. I told him later, after like my second entry. He's been really supportive--but he also happens to have a blog and I think has a different understanding of how personal it can be (even though you are broadcasting it to the world). But, I understand both your husband's feelings of betrayal and your reluctance to continue posting.

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At 2:44 PM, Blogger TechMama1028 said...

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